Q&A

Q: Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger marry Maria Shriver?
A: They are trying to breed bullet proof Kennedys

The miracles of surgery

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.

Now he's President of the United States."

Smart Cuban Student

Pepito, the son of Cuban-American refugees.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pepito, the son of Cuban-American refugees, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pepito, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good Pepito! Who said ’Government of the people, by the people,for the people, shall not perish from the earth’"?

Again, no response except from Pepito: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.",

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pepito,who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Cubans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pepito put his hand up."J.F.K., during the Bay of Pigs invasion 1961."

At that point, a student in the back said," I’m gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pepito says, "George Bush Sr. to Japans Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pepito jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you."

Pepito frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!, we better get the hell outta here!!"

Pepito said, "Saddam Hussein 2003".

Steady belief

"Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition. He still thinks communism was a good idea until he was being rushed to the hospital in a '55 Oldsmobile."
--Conan O'Brien

New political element has been discovered

Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad). This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

Meet the Rage Boy - professional protestor (check the source for pics)

He hates Rushie, he hates Israel, he hates the Pope - I can't imagine what does he like! Please welcome the Rage Boy - affordable protest solution -;)

read more | digg story

How government works

The government had a scrap yard in the middle of the desert.Congress created a night watchman position and hired a person at $20,000 per year to guard it.

Then Congress created a planning department for the scrap yard and hired two people—one to write the instructions for $25,000 and one to do time studies for $30,000 per year.

Then Congress created a quality control department and hired two people--one to study the watchman's efficiencies for $35,000 and one to write reports for $40,000.

Then Congress created a timekeeper for $45,000, a payroll officer for $50,000, an Administrative Officer for $60,000, an Assistant to the Administrative Officer for $35,000 and a Legal Secretary for $80,000.

The following year Congress said, "This scrap yard has been operating for one year for $420,000. We must cut back $20,000." So they laid off the night watchman!

_{tnx Al Lowe}

Ukrainian prime minister Yanukovitch feels like Don Corleone

Hey, guys! Look at this. What's he doing?
Is he don Corleone?
Maybe he watched the Godfather too much. Ridiculous.