Chuck Norris Funny Facts

And once again -- Funny Facts about Chuck Norris. You know, It is risky job - making laugh of Chuck Norris. -;)

Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.

Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.

Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Jack be nimble jack be quick but jack couldent dodge Chuck Norris’s round house kick!!

Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird!

Freddy Krueger has nightmares of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t like being famous, which is why he’s called Adam in the bible!

The people of Atlantis made a statue of Chuck Norris. He didn`t like it…

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick. So, beware.

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some temporarily get away. They are called astronauts.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man was not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

More Chuck Norris Funny Facts

For your pleasure more Chuck Norris Funny Facts I've found on the net.

The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.

You know, Chuck Norris eats salad too…

There was no Adam and Eve.. there was Chuck and Norris.

Space is exapanding in its worthless attempt to escape Chuck Norris

Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out loud…

Chuck Norris met Jesus once, God called the cops.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

People often wonder about the origin of Chuck Norris’s cowboy boots… There is no origin, they have always been, and have coexisted with Chuck since the beginning.

Actual first verse of Bible: "In the beginning, there was the Chuck and the Cowboy boots". And the LORD tried to seperate them, but got a roundhouse-kick to the face.”

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a shadow, light avoids him at all costs.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

This one time at band camp, Chuck Norris ripped off a bears head and shit down it’s
throat.. he then roundhouse kicked it in the jugular.

Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.

Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.

Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.

Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.

Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.

One time chuck norris accidently walked in to a chuck norris hate group there were no survivors this became none as the chuck masacre.

Chuck Norris’s Shit is “The Shit”

When police arrive at a the scene of a murder and find Chuck Norris with blood on his hands, they promptly apologize for wasting his time.

Someone once told Chuck Norris he was wrong, all historians said it was the biggest
mistake…ever

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

For every time Chuck norris is used in these “facts” another person dies (I'm evil).

When attacking Afghanistan, the US Government never actually used laser-guided missles. It was just Chuck Norris and a lazer pointer.

When Chuck Norris dies , it will be because there’s no one left to kill.

Chuck Norris once starred on South Park. He killed Kenny for mumbling and when Kyle and Stan started to complain he roundhouse kicked them to the face instantly killing them. Then he ate Cartman.

In reality Chuck Norris has no name. He killed it.

Chuck Norris once farted, this resulted in the big bang theory.

By the time you finish reading this sentence, Chuck Norris will have killed 74 more people.

It is 97% likely that Chuck Norris is your real father.

The opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on a game of dodgeball that Chuck Norris played when he was 8 years old.

Chuck Norris never has to iron his clothes, he just threatens them stiff.

Video didn’t kill the radio star, Chuck Norris did…

Chuck Norris got kicked out of the marine corp for making his drill instructor cry.

Anakin Skywalker didnt really fall into lava, Chuck Norris just didn't like him.

Chuck Norris’ real name is Charles Xavier Bamf Zaltan Norris’. But to show mercy he
shortened it to Chuck Norris so when he preceded to ask “Whats my name, bitch? while
roundhouse kicking people in the face they could answer before they died from a final and fatal round house kick to the jaw.

On the 6th day God created Chuck Norris. On the 7th day God did not rest, he was knocked unconscious by way of roundhouse kick for not creating Chuck Norris on the first day.

Chuck Norris’s birth was supposed to herald the apocalypse. He had just killed other
horsemen.

A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.

Once, between scenes on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, an actor asked Chuck, “Why do you always deliver roundhouse kicks to the bad guys? Why don’t you mix it up?” Norris bit his lip and replied, “Good idea.” Bad idea. After shooting, Chuck asked the man to meet him in the alley behind the studio. Here, Chuck roundhouse kicked the man 37 times in the face, all the while saying, “What now, bitch?”

Chuck Norris once put a live deer in a head lock and said “say my name” the deer muttered Chuck NORRIS!! actually it wasn’t recognizable but it was pretty good for a deer.

Chuck Norris once fought the Internet. The result is lag.

WWCND- “What Would Chuck Norris Do”

The sun rises in the east because Chuck Norris sleeps facing west.

Chuck Norris didn’t appreciate the title of the book “Excel for dummies” when he ordered it from Amazon. Nevertheless, Norris found it was the most straightforward guide to learning this spreadsheet tool that he was using to collate a list of all the women he has slept with. Norris got up to 9th grade before he realised that Excel is limited to 65,536 rows.

In an average day, Chuck Norris kills 74 people, sleeps with 120 women, eats two trucks, saves the world at least twice, and destroys a small town.

I fought with Chuck Norris in 2030. I woke up in 2006 with a cowboy boot stuck in my ass.

Chuck Norris created the universe in six days, and he did it with VIOLENCE.

Round house kicks are what make the world go round.

The mafia pays Chuck Norris for protection.

King Kong climed the Empire State Building to hide from Chuck Norris.

The bottom of Chuck Norris’ boots say: “If you can read this, you’ve just been Round-House Kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris never hits a man when he’s down…..he kicks him

Funny Chuck Norris Facts Vol. 3

Here's next portion of funny Chuck Norris' Facts. I hope he won't find and roundhouse kick me for that -;)

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh*t out of little kids.

The ‘F’ word was invented as a much less offensive alternative to taking Chuck’s name in vain. This single invention has saved more lives than any other.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Grand Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man drives a f*cking Jeep.

The Jews did not kill Jesus, that was Chuck Norris.

Sharks don’t live in the ocean because they breathe water. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn’t.

Before I go to sleep at night, I check under the bed for Chuck Norris.

For every Chuck Norris there is an equal and opposite Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the first person on the Mars. That is way there is no form of life found on Mars.

I caught my wife cheating on me with Chuck Norris…it was the most beautiful thing I have seen in my life.

God wanted to create the world in 10 days, Chuck Norris gave him 6

Whether you realize it or not, Chuck Norris is already your hero.

In the future, there will only be Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris deletes files from his computer, he doesnt send them to the recycle bin. He sends them to hell.

Chuck Norris donates blood every day. But its never his.

Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon. This would not have been possible without the aid of a roundhouse kick courtesy of Chuck Norris. Buzz Aldrin followed shortly thereafter.

Chuck Norris has never given birth to a child, not because he can’t but because the world isn’t ready…

Aliens do exist, they are just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris did not “lose” his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

When Yoda met Chuck Norris, he said, “Your bitch, I am.”

Chuck Norris is completely self-educated. This is because at a young age Chuck Norris realized that no one is more qualified to teach Chuck Norris than Chuck Norris.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris never played with rubber ducks in the bathtub. His 3 favorite bath toys consisted of a radio, a toaster, and a middle aged Vietnamese man.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never f*cks up.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris can Kick water into wine.

Chuck Norris once was on the Tony Danza show. When asked if he knew about the comments being posted about himself, he smiled and remained calm. After this question there was a commercial break. Tony Danza has not been seen since.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Anti Chuck Norris Facts

Let's continue Chuck Norris issue...
What would be dumber than Chuck Norris Facts? Of course Anti Chuck Norris Facts!
I've selected several. I'll try not to bore you to death.

Chuck Norris adopted a young black child so he could test out his racist jokes first.

If you yell "Chuck Norris" into the Grand Canyon, it echoes back "is a pu$$y."

Chuck Norris' farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because he's Chuck Norris, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.

Chuck Norris once became popular for no apparent reason whatsoever.

Chuck Norris will ram his rod straight down the throat of anyone who calls him gay. He's just funny like that.

Chuck Norris found this page and said, "Sh*t! I guess my unfounded and unearned popularity is over." He spent the next four hours lying face down on his silk duvet cover crying into a down pillow. Anything less wouldn't have provided enough comfort.

Chuck Norris once walked into a gay bar because he wanted to. Another time, he walked into another gay bar. Now, it is a weekly habit.

Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a fag.

Funny Chuck Norris Facts. Vol. 2

Here's more of Chuck Norris facts:


The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.

Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no live witnesses.

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

chucknorrisfacts.com

Funny Chuck Norris Facts. Vol. 1

Yesterday I was exploring the jokeratingmachine.com
I've stuck on the issue that Chuck Norris jokes are dumb. They even dumber then most blonde jokes. Weird. I've spent a lot of time to find relatively funny among of them. Here they are:

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

to be continued...