Mad Reporter

She literally sacrifice herself )))))))))

2008-05-10T07:23:00.000+02:00

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

- "Betty, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
- "Well, hard to say... Yes, 3 times."
- "Three??? When were they?"

- "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?"
- "Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

- "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number two?"

- "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?"

- "Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

- "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

- "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

Smart Surgeon

2008-05-08T11:14:00.000+02:00

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a surgeon was sitting at the next table. The doctor deftly removed the bone and saved the businessman's life. As soon as the fellow had calmed down enough to speak, he thanked the surgeon profusely and offered to pay for his services. "Name your fee!" he croaked, gratefully. "Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you would have offered me when the bone was stuck in your throat?"

This makes me laugh

2008-04-02T09:12:00.000+02:00

A really hot girl is dancing right in front of the bandstand, her white T-shirt clinging to her sweaty body as she bounces. What do the musicians think? Singer: "I'm gonna hit on her during the next break." Drummer: "Man, I really need a pizza." Guitarist: "Did you hear that? Check this out! Yeeeeeeeeah!" Bass player: "D, D, D, D, G, G, G, G..."

Business vs. IT

2008-03-31T10:32:00.001+02:00

A man flying a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and sees a man below. He shouts,- “Excuse me. Where am I?”
The man below says, “You’re in a hot air balloon about 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “That right, I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but of absolutely no use to me at this time.” The man below says, “You must be in business.” “I am,” replies the balloonist. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. Now you’re in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now you’ve made it my fault!”

Religious radicals might be funny

2008-03-31T10:26:00.004+02:00

You may be a Taliban if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

You think vests come in two styles: bulletproof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you have not declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

She's definitely got it!

2008-03-24T09:04:00.000+02:00

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was…God I miss him! …But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the lawyer, “but, why?” “Duh; you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Thanks to Al

Heart attack

2008-03-15T21:44:00.000+02:00

After the plane reached cruising altitude, the captain announced,- “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain speaking. The weather ahead is good and I expect a smooth and uneventful flight, so just sit back and – OH, MY GOD!!!” Silence followed for a few moments while the entire plane held its breath until the intercom clicked back on. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you, but while I was speaking, the flight attendant bringing me a cup of hot coffee spilled it right in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” One of the coach passengers shouted, “Oh, yeah? You should see the back of mine!”

Easy as a pie

2008-03-13T21:38:00.002+02:00

After nearly forty years in practice, a gynecologist decided to retire to pursue his first love, auto mechanics. He enrolled at the local community college and worked very hard, but worried that he was too old to compete with his younger classmates. Sure enough, on the final exam the other students finished in about two hours, while it took him the full four hours allocated. Afterwards, as he washed up, he asked his teacher about his grade.
- “I gave you a score of 150 points out of 100 possible,” said the teacher.
- “What? How can that be?”
- “Well, I gave you 50 points for disassembling the engine perfectly, another 50 points for reassembling the engine perfectly, and an additional 50 points for doing the whole damn job through the muffler!”

Superglue (Cruel one)

2008-02-20T17:37:00.002+02:00

Ouch!

Say No To Leno

2007-12-10T11:17:00.000+02:00

Join Navy

2007-12-04T08:22:00.000+02:00

Easy Solution

2007-11-27T14:49:00.000+02:00

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "Doc, ya gotta help me. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Of course, my good man, I'm sure that if you put yourself in my hands for a year or so, we could rid you of your fears," said the shrink. "Once a week, every week?" asked Bubba. "No, probably three times a week." "Fer how much?" "My customary fee is one hundred dollars per visit," replied the shrink. "Dang. Lemme sleep on it," said Bubba. Months later, the psychiatrist passed Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you come back to me about your fear of someone under your bed?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, doc," said Bubba, "a hundred bucks three times a week for a year is a lotta money. My bartender cured me for ten bucks. I saved so much money that I bought myself a new pickup!" "Is that so? May I ask exactly how a bartender cured you?" Bubba hoisted himself up proudly, "He told me to cut the legs off ma bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"

Smart patient

2007-11-23T13:47:00.000+02:00

A man phoned a mental hospital and asked, "Is there anybody in Room 13-A?" The receptionist replied, "No, sir, that room is empty." "Great!" said the man. "That means I really did escape!"

Radio Contest

2007-11-19T16:17:00.000+02:00

A radio station ran a contest for words not in the dictionary but which could be used in a sentence that would make sense. The prize was a luxury night out on the town.

DJ: 96FM, what's your name, caller?
Caller: My name's Dave.
DJ: Okay, Dave, what's the word?
Caller: GOAN, spelled 'go-an.' G-O-A-N.
DJ: That's a good word, Dave, and you're correct, it's not in the dictionary. Now, use your word in a sentence?
Caller: Goan, f**k yourself.

The DJ cut off the caller and took other calls, without a winner until...

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Jeff.
DJ: Okay, Jeff, what's your word?
Caller: SMEE, spelled S-M-E-E.
DJ: Definitely not in the dictionary. Now, for a luxury night out on the town, use your word in a sentence.
Caller: "Smee again. Goan f**k yourself!

Avid fisherman

2007-11-16T17:15:00.000+02:00

Positive proof of global warming

2007-11-14T21:38:00.000+02:00

Moment of truth

2007-11-11T18:00:00.000+02:00

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him,
"How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
the toy... you explain the kids."

Defenders

2007-10-25T20:14:00.000+02:00

PA State Guidelines on use of offensive language in the workplace

2007-10-24T01:23:00.000+02:00

Dear Pennsylvania State Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the State have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize
the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
when communicating to co-workers within State offices.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in
an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f*** you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b**ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
Ain't Nooooo f****** way!

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
Giiiiiiiiiiit the f*** outta here!!!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell a muthaf***** who gives a sh**

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f****** problem.

8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f*** ?!

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh** won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He ain't got a f***in' clue!!!

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
YO!! D***HEAD!!!!

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Boy, did they f*** THAT up?!?

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F*** outta here!!!!

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
F*** outta here!!!!

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
THIS is some bulls***!!!

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the f*** died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a f***in' d***head!!!!

Pennsylvania State Department - Human Resources

Car Accident

2007-10-21T13:28:00.000+02:00

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of
their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they
crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man... That's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left,
but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should
meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied,"I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is
completely demolished, but this bottle of wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The
man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

An Intelligent Blonde Joke

2007-10-19T10:52:00.000+02:00

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says," I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk"
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

Attention!

2007-10-19T09:36:00.000+02:00

I'm experiencing health problem last couple of weeks so I'm having trouble to update my blog at the moment. Stay tuned.

Corporate Lesson

2007-10-12T14:27:00.000+02:00

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen,"
said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my
secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly, Sir" said the
young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed
the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

Soldier: Beware of the yellow snow!

2007-10-06T19:55:00.000+02:00

Another one from worth1000. Lol! -;)

So... beware guys. Don't eat, you know ))))))))

How God Created Man

2007-09-28T15:13:00.000+02:00

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal." So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

I can carry two!

2007-09-27T07:32:00.000+02:00

Today I'm starting to publish the most funny pictures I've found on the worth1000.com.

Looks funny. This is globalisation baby. Somebody has to work for pennies.

to be continued...

Check this out!

2007-09-24T17:19:00.000+02:00

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

- "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
- "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
- "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
- "Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
- "Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
- "Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

The quotes I like

2007-09-22T22:10:00.000+02:00

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
--Woody Allen

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
--Lynn Lavner

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
--Sharon Stone

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
--Tiger Woods

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
--Jack Nickolson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
--Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
--Robert De Niro

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
--Robin Williams

Brilliant!

2007-09-21T17:18:00.000+02:00

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law
school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a
big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he
returned and opened his new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a
big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the
man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't
settle this case for less than one million. Yes.
The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be
handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will
provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to
discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the
man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the
delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

Funny cat

2007-09-20T08:30:00.000+02:00

This is my cat. Doesn't he look funny? Meow!

A Texan Salesman

2007-09-17T14:40:00.000+02:00

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

- "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.
- "Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair.

- "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
- "One," said the lad.
- "One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
- "Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
- "How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
- "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him
down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

- "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.
- "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing!'"

Mega Cat

2007-09-16T14:16:00.000+02:00

Biker

2007-09-13T17:40:00.000+02:00

Warning: This is dirty joke, but soo funny. ;)

Here was a guy who was in the market for a used Harley. He had
always wanted a big, bad hog. He shopped around; newspaper ads, bike
shops, but nothing. Finally he came across a beautiful classic
Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. On inspection, he is amazed to find
the bike in mint condition.

He talked to the owner, "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it.
But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."
"Well," said the seller, "it's pretty simple, just make sure that
if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, that you rub Vaseline
on the chrome. It keeps it from rusting. In fact, since you're
buying the bike, I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can
have it." He handed the new owner an old tube of Vaseline, which he
put it in his jacket pocket.

Our hero bought the bike and headed out; a proud and happy biker.
He took his bike over to show his girlfriend. She was ecstatic!
That night, he decided to ride his bike over to his girlfriend's parents
house. Since, it was the first time he was going to meet them and
figured it will make a big impression.

When the couple arrived at her folks house, his girlfriend grabbed
her boyfriend's arm and confessed, "Honey," she said, "I gotta tell
you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner,
we don't talk. In fact, the first person to say anything during
dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he said, and they went in. Our hero was astounded.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty
dishes. In the family room, another huge stack. Piled up the stairs,
more dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looked there are dirty
dishes, that must have been there for years. They sat down to dinner
and, sure enough, no one said a word. As dinner progressed, the
boyfriend decided to take advantage of the situation.

He grabbed his girlfriend, ripped open her dress, yanked off her
panties and screwed her right on the dinner table. The entire family
was shocked, but no one said a word. When he was finished, his
girlfriend peeled herself off the table and dinner resumed.

Soon his eyes wandered over to his girlfriend's kid sister. Since
he figured no one would say anything, he bent her over the table and
mounted her from behind. After he was satisfied, he sat down to eat
and again, none of the family said anything.

Just before dessert, he began thinking that her mom was looking
pretty good. What the hell, he slipped her the bone. After dropping
his load, he noticed it was starting to rain. He remembered he had to
protect his new motorcycle. He pulled the tube of Vaseline from his
jacket pocket.

The father suddenly jumped up from his chair and shouted, "All
right, I'll do the damned dishes!!"

Holmes and Watson

2007-09-11T13:00:00.000+02:00

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a
good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night,
and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

Last Will

2007-09-10T15:24:00.000+02:00

The family has gathered in the lawyer's office for the reading of Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To my dear wife, Esther, I leave our house, all our land, and $1 million. To my son, Barry, I leave my Lexus, the Jaguar, and $500,000. To my daughter, Suzy, I leave my yacht and $500,000. And to my brother-in-law, Jeff, who always insisted to me that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill!"

Chuck Norris Funny Facts

2007-09-07T16:56:00.000+02:00

And once again -- Funny Facts about Chuck Norris. You know, It is risky job - making laugh of Chuck Norris. -;)

Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.

Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.

Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Jack be nimble jack be quick but jack couldent dodge Chuck Norris’s round house kick!!

Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird!

Freddy Krueger has nightmares of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t like being famous, which is why he’s called Adam in the bible!

The people of Atlantis made a statue of Chuck Norris. He didn`t like it…

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick. So, beware.

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some temporarily get away. They are called astronauts.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man was not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Cruel Joke (But still funny)

2007-09-03T13:14:00.000+02:00

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says,"you know, last week I discovered that if you jump form the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd man say "what are you? A nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
The first man replies "No, it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back in the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second man say "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
First man: "No, I'll prove it again." And again he jumps and hurtles toward the street when the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and back into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
The second man decides "What the hell, it works, so I'll do it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floor and hit the sidewalk with a 'splat'. Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker
"You know Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

It is scientifically proved, that...

2007-09-02T12:09:00.000+02:00

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people look smart... until you hear them speak.

Mathematical proof that engineers and scientists should make less money

2007-08-28T08:46:00.000+02:00

Finally, mathematical proof that engineers and scientists should make less money than executives! Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. Postulate 3: Work/Time = Power. Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money, Work/Money = Knowledge. So, solving for Money: Work/Knowledge = Money. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work. Therefore: The less Knowledge, the more Money!

Birds Poop Warning - Funny Sign

2007-08-28T07:58:00.001+02:00

Read, then move

source | digg story

Be a man - cheat smart!

2007-08-27T14:34:00.000+02:00

A married man had been having a wild affair with his pretty secretary. One day they went to her house and made love all afternoon. Satiated, they fell asleep, but didn't wake till eight that night. The man hurriedly dressed, then told his lover to take both his shoes outside and rub them in the dirty, wet grass. Then he put them on and set off home. "Hey, where have you been?" said his tetchy wife. "Oh, I won't lie to you," he replied po-faced. "Because, fact is, I've been to bed with my secretary and we had debauched sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bugger! You've been out playing golf!"

Change of plan

2007-08-22T10:01:00.000+02:00

A young couple told the doctor, "Doc, you've got to help. We were out strolling in this beautiful field when we got romantic. Just as we were about to make love, a bumblebee entered her vagina!" The doctor paused a moment and then said, "This is a tricky situation. But I have an idea. If I rub some honey on the top of my penЎs and insert it into your wife's vagina, when I feel the bee near the tip of it, I'll withdraw it and the bee will hopefully it out. What do you think?" Unable to think of a better idea, the young couple agreed. The doctor did as he described, but after a few gentle strokes, he said, "The bee hasn't noticed the honey yet. I may need to go deeper." He did, again and again, deeper and deeper, faster and faster until soon the young lady quivered with excitement. The doctor got really into his operation, to the point of quiet moans of obvious pleasure. The husband had had enough. "Dammit, Doc! What in the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown that bastard!"

THAT is an ANSWER

2007-08-21T11:19:00.000+02:00

"Mom? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words, dear?" "Pus$y and bitch." Mom inhaled sharply, but then said, "Oh, that's easy. A pus$y is a cat, like our little Mittens. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy." "Thanks, Mom." He then found his Dad out in the garage. "Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words, son?" "Pus$y and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meaning." Dad said, "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this." He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said, "Son, everything inside the circle is pus$y." "Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?" Dad replied, "Everything outside the circle!"

Priest Joke

2007-08-20T09:24:00.000+02:00

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and hens he kept in the church henhouse. But one Saturday night, the rooster went missing. The priest had heard about cockfights being staged in the village, so after Sunday morning's sermon he asked his parishioners, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men raised their hands. "No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women raised their hands. "No, wait," he said, "What I meant to ask is has anyone seen my cock?" All the nuns, three altar boys, and another priest raised their hands, while a goat bleated outside!

Wedding night

2007-08-16T17:00:00.000+02:00

An inexperienced young girl married an older man. Her aunt agreed to stay in their house on their wedding night, just in case she needed marital advice. The couple retired to their bedroom and the groom removed his shirt. The bride ran down the hall to her aunt's room. "Auntie Jane! His chest is covered with hair!" "Oh, that's all right, dear. That's natural," says her aunt, so the bride returned. Her groom removed his trousers and she rushed out again. "Auntie Jane! He has hair on his legs, too!" Her aunt reassured her again, so back she went. Her husband then removed his socks, revealing that one of his feet was artificial. His bride ran off again. "Auntie Jane! He's got one foot!" she cried. "A foot?" gasped the aunt. "You stay here, honey. This sounds like a job for Auntie Jane!"

Funny pic: first man on the moon

2007-08-15T15:36:00.000+02:00

_{tnx to worth1000.com}

Mysterious Egyptian People

2007-08-14T09:00:00.000+02:00

A bus load of tourists stopped in the town square of a small Egyptian city to shop at the stands surrounding the square. One tourist asked a local for the time. The man, squatting beside his camel, reached up, cupped the animal's genitals in his hand, raised them, lowered them and replied, "2 o'clock." The tourist can't believe what just happened. He found some of his fellow tourists, checked the time, and sure enough, the local was right! After telling his story, they all followed him back to see for themselves. "Pardon me? Do you know the time?" The exact same thing happened: the local cupped the animal's genitals in his hand, raised them, lowered them and said, "It is 2:05 p.m." Finally, the story got to the bus driver, who just had to know how this trick was done. "How can you tell time from a camel's genitals?" he asked. The local said, "Sit here." The driver did. "Now grab my camel's genitals." He did that. "Now, lift them up in the air." The driver did. "Now, look beneath them... to the other side of the courtyard? See the town clock?"

Funny Vancouver Sign

2007-08-11T21:30:00.000+02:00

Funny dog sign in Vancouver. Amazing.

Always Think What You Say

2007-08-10T15:26:00.000+02:00

A young boy went fishing with his grandfather. The grandfather took a dip of chew. "Grandpa, can I have a dip of chew?" "Well, boy, can your pen*s touch your a$$hole?" "No, Grandpa." "Well then, I guess you're not yet a man, so you can't." Later Grandpa opened a beer. "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" "Well, boy, can your pen*s touch your a$$hole?" "No, Grandpa." "Well then, I guess you're not yet a man, so you can't." On the way home, they stopped for gas. Grandpa felt a little guilty and bought the boy a lottery ticket. He scratched it and won a million dollars! His excited Grandpa asked, "Since I bought you the ticket, you are going to split it with me, right?" The boy replied, "Grandpa, can your pen*s touch your a$$hole?" Grandpa smiled and said, "Sure it can!" The grandson snapped back, "Good, because then you can go screw yourself!"

What a dad!

2007-08-09T10:04:00.000+02:00

Dear Marty, I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Can you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoos, and piercings. I guess motorcycles aren't that dangerous. And holding a job isn't the only thing in life. There are probably some very nice people living under that bridge with you. While Suzie is only 17, she's still willing to give up her full scholarship to Harvard to be with you. I guess you can't learn everything about life from books. I have since come to my senses and give you both my blessing. Sincerely, Your future "Dad." PS: Congratulations on winning the lottery!

More Chuck Norris Funny Facts

2007-08-08T14:34:00.000+02:00

For your pleasure more Chuck Norris Funny Facts I've found on the net.

The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.

You know, Chuck Norris eats salad too…

There was no Adam and Eve.. there was Chuck and Norris.

Space is exapanding in its worthless attempt to escape Chuck Norris

Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out loud…

Chuck Norris met Jesus once, God called the cops.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

People often wonder about the origin of Chuck Norris’s cowboy boots… There is no origin, they have always been, and have coexisted with Chuck since the beginning.

Actual first verse of Bible: "In the beginning, there was the Chuck and the Cowboy boots". And the LORD tried to seperate them, but got a roundhouse-kick to the face.”

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a shadow, light avoids him at all costs.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

This one time at band camp, Chuck Norris ripped off a bears head and shit down it’s
throat.. he then roundhouse kicked it in the jugular.

Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.

Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.

Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.

Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.

Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.

One time chuck norris accidently walked in to a chuck norris hate group there were no survivors this became none as the chuck masacre.

Chuck Norris’s Shit is “The Shit”

When police arrive at a the scene of a murder and find Chuck Norris with blood on his hands, they promptly apologize for wasting his time.

Someone once told Chuck Norris he was wrong, all historians said it was the biggest
mistake…ever

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

For every time Chuck norris is used in these “facts” another person dies (I'm evil).

When attacking Afghanistan, the US Government never actually used laser-guided missles. It was just Chuck Norris and a lazer pointer.

When Chuck Norris dies , it will be because there’s no one left to kill.

Chuck Norris once starred on South Park. He killed Kenny for mumbling and when Kyle and Stan started to complain he roundhouse kicked them to the face instantly killing them. Then he ate Cartman.

In reality Chuck Norris has no name. He killed it.

Chuck Norris once farted, this resulted in the big bang theory.

By the time you finish reading this sentence, Chuck Norris will have killed 74 more people.

It is 97% likely that Chuck Norris is your real father.

The opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on a game of dodgeball that Chuck Norris played when he was 8 years old.

Chuck Norris never has to iron his clothes, he just threatens them stiff.

Video didn’t kill the radio star, Chuck Norris did…

Chuck Norris got kicked out of the marine corp for making his drill instructor cry.

Anakin Skywalker didnt really fall into lava, Chuck Norris just didn't like him.

Chuck Norris’ real name is Charles Xavier Bamf Zaltan Norris’. But to show mercy he
shortened it to Chuck Norris so when he preceded to ask “Whats my name, bitch? while
roundhouse kicking people in the face they could answer before they died from a final and fatal round house kick to the jaw.

On the 6th day God created Chuck Norris. On the 7th day God did not rest, he was knocked unconscious by way of roundhouse kick for not creating Chuck Norris on the first day.

Chuck Norris’s birth was supposed to herald the apocalypse. He had just killed other
horsemen.

A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.

Once, between scenes on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, an actor asked Chuck, “Why do you always deliver roundhouse kicks to the bad guys? Why don’t you mix it up?” Norris bit his lip and replied, “Good idea.” Bad idea. After shooting, Chuck asked the man to meet him in the alley behind the studio. Here, Chuck roundhouse kicked the man 37 times in the face, all the while saying, “What now, bitch?”

Chuck Norris once put a live deer in a head lock and said “say my name” the deer muttered Chuck NORRIS!! actually it wasn’t recognizable but it was pretty good for a deer.

Chuck Norris once fought the Internet. The result is lag.

WWCND- “What Would Chuck Norris Do”

The sun rises in the east because Chuck Norris sleeps facing west.

Chuck Norris didn’t appreciate the title of the book “Excel for dummies” when he ordered it from Amazon. Nevertheless, Norris found it was the most straightforward guide to learning this spreadsheet tool that he was using to collate a list of all the women he has slept with. Norris got up to 9th grade before he realised that Excel is limited to 65,536 rows.

In an average day, Chuck Norris kills 74 people, sleeps with 120 women, eats two trucks, saves the world at least twice, and destroys a small town.

I fought with Chuck Norris in 2030. I woke up in 2006 with a cowboy boot stuck in my ass.

Chuck Norris created the universe in six days, and he did it with VIOLENCE.

Round house kicks are what make the world go round.

The mafia pays Chuck Norris for protection.

King Kong climed the Empire State Building to hide from Chuck Norris.

The bottom of Chuck Norris’ boots say: “If you can read this, you’ve just been Round-House Kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris never hits a man when he’s down…..he kicks him

Appendicitis? Twice? Easily!

2007-08-07T13:02:00.000+02:00

A man telephoned his doctor in the middle of the night, saying he thought his wife had appendicitis. "That's impossible," said the grumpy physician, "she had an appendectomy just last year. Are you stupid? Waking me in the middle of the night? Have you ever heard of anyone with a second appendix?" "No, doc, I haven't," said the husband through clenched teeth. "Have you ever heard of anyone with a second wife?!"

Limited service

2007-08-01T01:00:00.000+02:00

An armless man entered a bar, ordered a drink, and, when he was served, asked the bartender, "Would you please get the money out of my wallet?" Since he was armless, the bartender obliged. He then asked the bartender, "Would you please tip the glass to my lips so I can drink my drink?" Again the bartender obliged. Then he asked the bartender, "Where's the restroom?" The bartender quickly replied, "Across the street at the gas station!"

Funny place name

2007-07-31T14:31:00.001+02:00

Cowboy movie phrases that will never sound the same once you’ve seen Brokeback Mountain

2007-07-31T12:58:00.000+02:00

“I’m gonna pump you fulla lead!”
“Give me a stiff one, barkeep!”
“Don’t fret-I’ve been in tight spots before”
“Howdy, pardner”
“You stay here while I sneak around from behind”
“Saddle sore”
“Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, real slow-like”
“Let’s mount up!”
“Nice spread ya got there!”
“Ride ’em, cowboy!”

Q&A

2007-07-23T13:31:00.000+02:00

Q: Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger marry Maria Shriver?
A: They are trying to breed bullet proof Kennedys

A Real Life Prison Break Scheme, Web 2.0 Style. These Guys Were Brilliant!

2007-07-20T16:39:00.001+02:00

Forget about digging a hole with a spoon to escape from prison. Four federal inmates are accused of going above and beyond that call.

read more | digg story

The LOLcat Bible

2007-07-20T16:37:00.001+02:00

God: "I CAN HAZ LIGHT!"

read more | digg story

HILARIOUS: Natural Selection Caught on Tape: Never smash a WD-40 Can

2007-07-20T16:30:00.001+02:00

You've gotta love natural selection caught on video. Intelligent people know that it isn't a good idea to smash a can of WD-40, even if they're curious about what would happen if they did. Luckily, some mouthbreathers decided that they'd give it a whirl, showing us exactly why we're so smart to not have done such a thing.

read more | digg story

The miracles of surgery

2007-07-19T20:44:00.000+02:00

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.

Now he's President of the United States."

Smart Cuban Student

2007-07-16T15:20:00.000+02:00

Pepito, the son of Cuban-American refugees.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pepito, the son of Cuban-American refugees, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pepito, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good Pepito! Who said ’Government of the people, by the people,for the people, shall not perish from the earth’"?

Again, no response except from Pepito: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.",

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pepito,who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Cubans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pepito put his hand up."J.F.K., during the Bay of Pigs invasion 1961."

At that point, a student in the back said," I’m gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pepito says, "George Bush Sr. to Japans Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pepito jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you."

Pepito frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!, we better get the hell outta here!!"

Pepito said, "Saddam Hussein 2003".

Steady belief

2007-06-29T23:50:00.000+02:00

"Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition. He still thinks communism was a good idea until he was being rushed to the hospital in a '55 Oldsmobile."
--Conan O'Brien

Amtrak dumps passenger in the middle of nowhere

2007-06-29T22:29:00.001+02:00

They thought he was drunk, but he was suffering from diabetic shock

read more | digg story

New political element has been discovered

2007-06-27T22:57:00.000+02:00

Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad). This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

Meet the Rage Boy - professional protestor (check the source for pics)

2007-06-27T22:19:00.001+02:00

He hates Rushie, he hates Israel, he hates the Pope - I can't imagine what does he like! Please welcome the Rage Boy - affordable protest solution -;)

read more | digg story

New anti-speeding ad tells speeders their small penis is why they speed

2007-06-26T15:36:00.001+02:00

Young men who speed do so because they have a small penis - or so the new RTA road safety campaign implies. Ads from the $1.9 million campaign - which targets speeding among 17- to 25-year-olds - aired for the first time on TV last night. They show onlookers who see speeding male drivers wiggling their pinkie fingers.

read more | digg story

Funny Zoo Sign

2007-06-25T22:55:00.000+02:00

Do not stay behind. -;)

Lazy police shake-up

2007-06-25T22:17:00.001+02:00

"Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police.."

Source | digg story

If Crayola Made Crayons for Emo Kids They Would Look Like This

2007-06-23T23:50:00.001+02:00

Haha, 44 colors, each one as unique as you are, to help you to express your oppression-fed, sorrow-fulled, angst-inspired individualistic creativity.

Source | digg story

What's Wrong With This Picture?

2007-06-23T22:55:00.001+02:00

Just take a moment and figure it out - you're gonna laugh

digg story

Funny Chuck Norris Facts Vol. 3

2007-06-23T09:22:00.001+02:00

Here's next portion of funny Chuck Norris' Facts. I hope he won't find and roundhouse kick me for that -;)

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh*t out of little kids.

The ‘F’ word was invented as a much less offensive alternative to taking Chuck’s name in vain. This single invention has saved more lives than any other.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Grand Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man drives a f*cking Jeep.

The Jews did not kill Jesus, that was Chuck Norris.

Sharks don’t live in the ocean because they breathe water. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn’t.

Before I go to sleep at night, I check under the bed for Chuck Norris.

For every Chuck Norris there is an equal and opposite Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the first person on the Mars. That is way there is no form of life found on Mars.

I caught my wife cheating on me with Chuck Norris…it was the most beautiful thing I have seen in my life.

God wanted to create the world in 10 days, Chuck Norris gave him 6

Whether you realize it or not, Chuck Norris is already your hero.

In the future, there will only be Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris deletes files from his computer, he doesnt send them to the recycle bin. He sends them to hell.

Chuck Norris donates blood every day. But its never his.

Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon. This would not have been possible without the aid of a roundhouse kick courtesy of Chuck Norris. Buzz Aldrin followed shortly thereafter.

Chuck Norris has never given birth to a child, not because he can’t but because the world isn’t ready…

Aliens do exist, they are just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris did not “lose” his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

When Yoda met Chuck Norris, he said, “Your bitch, I am.”

Chuck Norris is completely self-educated. This is because at a young age Chuck Norris realized that no one is more qualified to teach Chuck Norris than Chuck Norris.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris never played with rubber ducks in the bathtub. His 3 favorite bath toys consisted of a radio, a toaster, and a middle aged Vietnamese man.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never f*cks up.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris can Kick water into wine.

Chuck Norris once was on the Tony Danza show. When asked if he knew about the comments being posted about himself, he smiled and remained calm. After this question there was a commercial break. Tony Danza has not been seen since.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Anti Chuck Norris Facts

2007-06-21T23:48:00.000+02:00

Let's continue Chuck Norris issue...
What would be dumber than Chuck Norris Facts? Of course Anti Chuck Norris Facts!
I've selected several. I'll try not to bore you to death.

Chuck Norris adopted a young black child so he could test out his racist jokes first.

If you yell "Chuck Norris" into the Grand Canyon, it echoes back "is a pu$$y."

Chuck Norris' farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because he's Chuck Norris, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.

Chuck Norris once became popular for no apparent reason whatsoever.

Chuck Norris will ram his rod straight down the throat of anyone who calls him gay. He's just funny like that.

Chuck Norris found this page and said, "Sh*t! I guess my unfounded and unearned popularity is over." He spent the next four hours lying face down on his silk duvet cover crying into a down pillow. Anything less wouldn't have provided enough comfort.

Chuck Norris once walked into a gay bar because he wanted to. Another time, he walked into another gay bar. Now, it is a weekly habit.

Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a fag.

Chance of a man to win an argument (graph)

2007-06-21T22:43:00.001+02:00

Guess when the odds hit zero? Just guess.

digg story

[PIC] If they can cure homosexuality they can cure anything

2007-06-21T22:41:00.001+02:00

Hilarious Billboard!!

read more | digg story

The most shocking image you'll see today!

2007-06-20T22:37:00.001+02:00

This is a one-person Faraday cage, called the Dalek Cage. It allows a person to get close and personal to tens of thousands of volts.Looks pretty dangerous.

read more | digg story

Funny Chuck Norris Facts. Vol. 2

2007-06-20T21:48:00.004+02:00

Here's more of Chuck Norris facts:

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.

Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no live witnesses.

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

chucknorrisfacts.com

Funny Chuck Norris Facts. Vol. 1

2007-06-18T22:43:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I was exploring the jokeratingmachine.com
I've stuck on the issue that Chuck Norris jokes are dumb. They even dumber then most blonde jokes. Weird. I've spent a lot of time to find relatively funny among of them. Here they are:

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

to be continued...

Blonde monday!

2007-06-17T10:00:00.000+02:00

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

Welcome to Russia!

2007-06-16T18:23:00.000+02:00

Traffic stop

2007-06-13T11:10:00.000+02:00

A policeman pulls a blonde over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration.

Getting another blank look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment."

"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his dick out.

Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"

Smart Girl (joke)

2007-06-11T17:36:00.000+02:00

It was the first day of first grade and a group of students was completing their first worksheet when one sweet little girl softly swore: "Jesus Christ!" The teacher leaned over and corrected her. "Honey, we don't say that at school." She looked up at her and said, "Not even when you f**k up?"

Weird Traffic Sign (Russia)

2007-06-11T13:09:00.000+02:00

Looks like they were out of paint. Bricks would help. -;)

_{tnx libo.ru}

Another Funny Blonde Joke

2007-06-10T20:08:00.000+02:00

Are you still thinking blonde jokes are dumb? Check this out!

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview . The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!"

The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "Can you tell us your height, please?" She stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. Then she traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!".

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the blonde, That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'

CIA Agent Test

2007-06-09T19:09:00.000+02:00

CIA Test Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test. So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says,"no way." So the director says, "You fail." The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn`t go through with it. The director says, "you fail." So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."

At the Pearly Gates

2007-06-08T09:15:00.000+02:00

A woman met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and asked if she could join her late husband, Walter Smith. St. Peter said, "We have a lot of Walter Smiths here; which one is yours?" She replied, "My Walter is bald with blue eyes and he said that if I ever slept with another man, he'd turn over in his grave." St. Peter motioned to a nearby angel. "Hey, Jim. Take her down to Whirling Walter!"

Funny Adult Joke

2007-06-06T20:41:00.000+02:00

A couple saw a Discovery Channel special about a tribe of bushmen who, upon reaching a certain age, hung a weight from their member to stretch it to 18 inches in length. The next morning, when the husband got out of the shower, his wife suggested that he try the same procedure. He agreed. A few days later, she asked him how their experiment was going. "Well, we're about halfway there," he replied. "Wow, really? It's grown to 9 inches?" she asked. "No," he said. "It's turned black!"

Blonde Joke

2007-06-03T21:42:00.000+02:00

Haven't been tired of blonde jokes?
Here's one more...
This is adult joke. So, beware.

A blonde and a brunette were discussing boyfriends. Brunette: "Last night I had three orgasms!" Blonde: "That's nothing. Last night I had at least a dozen!" Brunette: "My God! I had no idea your boyfriend was that good." Blonde: "Oh. Did you mean with one guy?"

Don't mess with admins -;)

2007-06-02T18:55:00.001+02:00

Yeah! You'll see him at your door one day.
- "God! That wasn't me! That wasn't me! Don't shoot! I didn't flame!

Funny! This joke will make you laugh!

2007-05-30T14:04:00.000+02:00

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for it. Jill is travelling the world and she is short of funds, so she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar, but this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she could pay him more attention. She comes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her -- Melbourne. "So am I," she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris," he says. "That's amazing," she says, "so am I -- what street?" "Cameo Street," he says." "This is unbelievable," she says. "What number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this," she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know," he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you!"

You can call me...

2007-05-28T13:04:00.000+02:00

There was a married couple sleeping when an intruder entered their home and put a knife to the wife's neck. "Before I kill someone, I like to know their name. What's your name?" The shaking woman replied, "My name is Elizabeth." The intruder said, "My mother was named Elizabeth. I can't kill you." He then turned to the husband and asked, "And what's your name?" "Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth!"

-;) lol

Munificent offer

2007-05-28T12:46:00.000+02:00

After being interviewed by the school principal, the prospective teacher said, "Let me make sure I've got this right: you want me to take a room full of kids, fill them with a love for learning, instill pride in their ethnicity, maintain a safe environment, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, check their heads for lice, censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons, raise their self esteem, teach them patriotism, citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, how to apply for a job, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure they all pass mandatory state exams (even those who don't attend regularly or finish assignments), give every student an equal education (regardless of mental or physical handicaps), communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, email, and report card, provide many of my own supplies since you have no budget to do so, and all on a salary that qualifies my family for food stamps? You expect me to do all this and then you expect me to not pray?!"

Computer Geek's Joke

2007-05-25T23:25:00.000+02:00

Two computer geeks were talking. "Guess what?" said one. "What?" said the other. "Yesterday, I met a gorgeous blonde in a bar." "Really? How'd it go?" "Great. I invited her to my place, we had some drinks, she got into the mood, and she asked me to undress her." "Whoa." "Yeah. I took off her dress, picked her up, and put her on my desk beside my new laptop." "No kidding! You got a new laptop?!"

Funny ad

2007-05-24T16:30:00.000+02:00

Looking for back in time partner...

and signed Yulius Caesar -;)

Corruption Joke

2007-05-23T10:20:00.000+02:00

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" he repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge ordered him, "Sir! Please answer the question." "Oh, sorry judge," the startled witness replied, "I thought he was talking to you!"

Hold'em! We're taking off! -;)

2007-05-23T09:37:00.000+02:00

A flight was so severely delayed that the stewardesses gave everyone drinks and those tiny bags of peanuts. When the pilot announced they were next in line for take off, without thinking, the stewardess announced, "Alright, everyone: buckle up, grab your drinks, and hold your nuts. We're taking off!" No one saw her for the rest of the flight, but the passengers and the other stewardesses laughed through the whole flight.

Cruel Blonde Joke

2007-05-23T09:07:00.000+02:00

Three blondes, hiking in the woods, came upon some tracks. The first blonde asked, "Are those deer tracks?" The second said, "No, I think they are moose tracks." Before the third could answer, they all three got hit by the train!

Not a Blonde Joke but Funny

2007-05-23T08:50:00.000+02:00

"And how do you want to pay, sir?" "By credit card." "Please spell the name exactly as it appears on the card." "M-A-S-T-E-R-C-A-R-D".

Hi-Tech Mirror

2007-05-23T08:20:00.000+02:00

If you've got no mirror but accidentally have a video camera and computer...
Weird.

Funny pic - Electric Pigs

2007-05-21T15:33:00.000+02:00

Here are electric pigs from around the world. Funny.

Blonde joke

2007-05-20T17:05:00.000+02:00

Here's another good blonde joke.

A blind guy in a bar shouts to the bartender- "Wanna hear a blonde joke"?

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he is a rugby player. The guy to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he is a wrestler. We are all blonde. Think about it, buddy. Do you still wanna tell the joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."